July 28 - Ostrich Weekly Forecast

If you read last week's forecast, I think you'll agree that our weatherman was phoning it in. I figured he was occupied with something or other, so I wasn't surprised to get a note from him yesterday, an apology instead of a forecast. His semaphore team has reached the finals of the Flag the Classics tournament. However long it takes to transmit The Annals of Tacitus from ship to ship, that's when he'll be back on duty. As for this week, he says to "have them take the auspices for themselves."

You're probably hip to Etruscan rituals, but I had to look it up, and, man, did that send me crawling down a rabbit hole. Did you know the word auspicious comes from the Latin auspicium, which derives from avis ("bird") and specere ("to look at")?

Welcome to the world of augury, where fortune-telling and bird watching join up for fun and profit. If you want to know what's in store for you this week, here's what you'll need to do:

• Define the boundaries of your templum. This will be an area of ground you can observe without moving, plus all the sky above it. (Don't listen to those rich snobs who say you need to build a platform. Any old meadow will do.)
• Watch the birds. Birds of prey are good signs, eagles and vultures in particular, but crows and woodpeckers are also nice. Direction of flight matters, but that part's confusing, so you'll have to go on vibes. High flight is good. Low flight is bad, but if a bird lands within the templum, that's good, and if you see them eat, that's great. If a bird screams, do your best to figure out if it's a fun scream or more of a yikes. The augur has a lot of discretion, so feel free to use your judgement.
• Can't see any wild birds? That's fine, assuming you can source a few holy hens. Get some sacred chickens, let them out of their cages, and give them a handful of grain. If they go right for the food, that's a good omen. Best case, they go so hard on their noms that grain spills out from their beaks—a sure thumbs up from the gods. But if they just wander around tutting and clucking, you'd better get a good umbrella and a good attorney.
  
  (What's that you say? Couldn't one manipulate the ritual by feeding or starving the chickens beforehand? Preposterous. I'm sure no god-fearing Roman official would have done such a thing, particularly where elections were involved.)

Historical side note: Romulus and Remus each had a favorite hill for the site of their future city. Remus preferred Aventine Hill, while Romulus had a fancy for Palatine. Unable to agree, they went to their preferred hills and counted vultures. Remus saw six from Aventine Hill, but Romulus saw twelve (supposedly). If that's true, it's presumable that Palatine Hill became the home of Rome because of one dead squirrel.